Funeral Customs and Grieving

Updated 4 January 2007

By the Rev'd Ed Swayze

Prior to Death

• prepare will, power of attorney (disconnection of life support);
• think through donation of organs; and
• it may be appropriate to pre-plan the funeral.

At Time of Death - in hospital

• important that people are with the dying person;
• say what you need to say: I love you, I'm sorry;
• Christian customs:

      q communion;
      q private confession, "None must, all may, some should"; and
      q prayers; and

• call Funeral Director to make funeral arrangements.

• police are called, in case of foul play; and
• an autopsy must be done to determine cause of death.

• The purpose of a funeral is to help the living to grieve.
• timing of funeral:

      q travel of people who want to attend the funeral; and
      q cemetery and crematorium do not work on Saturday afternoon and Sunday.

• themes of funeral:

• express religious belief: ex. Christian hope of the resurrection;
• be thankful for person's life;
• help people to grieve; and
• address pastoral concerns i.e. child, how the person died, family issues.

• cremation:

• before funeral or after funeral;
• at funeral cremains may be present or not;
• a prayer of committal to the fire is an Anglican practice; and
• interment of ashes.

• embalming is done unless the body is buried within 24 hours.
• visitation:

      q originally in the home of the deceased;
      q a time for family and friends of the deceased to talk, often about the deceased; and
      q viewing of the body is encouraged;

• A memorial service is a funeral service, but the casket or urn is not present.
• Christian funeral service, family has choice of:

• Anglican service books: Book of Common Prayer (BCP) or  Book of Alternative Services (BAS);
• Eucharist (communion, mass);
• scripture (BAS page 604 has suggested readings);
• hymns;
• selection of readers, etc.; 
• eulogy (a talk given by family member or friend about the deceased person); and
• sometimes music that the deceased found meaningful may be played.

• Participation in the Funeral Service:

      q The participation of family of friends as readers, giving the eulogy, etc. is important.
      q It helps celebrate the life of the person who died.
      q Involving people in the ritual helps them to grieve.

• Internment of casket or urn:

      q may follow immediately after the funeral service, or much later;

• Naval/Military/Police Customs:

      q vigil party at the visitation;
      q Canadian flag  draped over the casket/urn;
         q guard with the funeral procession (going to the church and then to the cemetery);
      q firing party at the committal (3 volleys to symbolize the Trinity);
      q burial at sea; and
      q navy chaplains may scatter ashes at sea of veterans.

• Children's participation in funerals:

      q    children deal with deal in their own way;
      q    children may blame themselves for the death of the person;
      q allow children to participate to the extend that they wish to be involved, have child-care arrangements made just in case;
      q expect children's behaviour to fluctuate between being sad and happy; and
      q involving children in the funeral helps them learn the life skills to cope with death and grieving.

Dealing with Stress

• eat, and eat as healthily as possible;
• moderate alcohol and caffeine intake;
• get adequate rest;
• exercise, walk;
• do "normal" things; and
• talk with people who care about you: family, friends, clergy.

Healing/Grieving

• natural process, but being aware of the process and being intentional about following the process will aid the healing process;
• mourn, being sad helps the soul to heal loss;
• adjust to the hole in your life:

• fill time;
• make new friends;
• learn new skills; and
• start new activities;

• heal unresolved issues:

      q talk with people; and/or
      q write in a journal or write letter to deceased;

• stages of grieving: shock, denial, anger, acceptance (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross);
• rule of thumb: if you have known a person less than a year the grieving period is equivalent for the length of time you knew him or her, if you have known a person longer it will take roughly a year to work through your grief;
• the intensity of the grief is related to the intensity of the relationship; and
• religious "feelings" tend to disappear during intense grief, in the absence of feeling you must trust Jesus is with you.

Context of Faith

• death is part of life;
• faith in the resurrection is the assurance that the power of sin, death and evil will eventually be overcome;
• Jesus walks with us in good times and bad; and
• concept of free will allows things to happen that God would rather not happen, but when they do God can bring good out of it.